Spilling the Téa – 18-4-24 – The “I’m old” stream

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Spilling the Téa – 18-4-24 – The “I’m old” stream

I turned 45 a few days ago and I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed by it. I’ve been going through a lot of self-reflection and struggling with the idea of aging. Turning 45 has made me think about my life choices and what I’ve accomplished so far.

I had a rough childhood, raised by my grandmother who had a tough life herself. I’ve inherited some of her difficult ways of showing love and receiving love, making me self-aware of how difficult I am to love. Despite my challenges, I’m grateful for every day I’m alive, having faced near-death experiences in my past.

As I reflect on turning 45, I’m wrestling with feelings of inadequacy and unfulfillment. I’m questioning my life choices, particularly having children at a young age, and feeling the pressure of societal expectations on women over 40. The realization that women become invisible in certain spaces as they age has affected my self-esteem.

Being 45 has also brought up feelings of vanity and the desire to address the physical signs of aging, such as eye bags. I struggle with accepting my appearance and the changes that come with age, balancing between wanting to look good and letting go of societal beauty standards. Despite my insecurities, I am trying to come to terms with my aging process and embrace it.

I’ve been going through a period of uncertainty and change, particularly in my career and personal life. The idea of possibly downsizing my comedy work for a more stable job is daunting, considering the challenges in today’s job market. I’m feeling an internal conflict about following my passion for comedy or prioritizing financial stability and practicality.

As I navigate turning 45, I’m facing existential questions about my purpose and direction in life. I’m contemplating how to balance my aspirations with the realities of aging and societal expectations. Despite the challenges, I’m determined to find a way forward and make peace with the complexities of getting older.