Turning 45 has been a whirlwind of emotions and revelations for me. As someone who lives with ADHD, I often find myself grappling with the constant feeling of having my life together, only to have the rug pulled out from under me. My birthday on the 16th brought on a wave of introspection, and I realised I wasn’t as fine with turning 45 as I had thought.
It isn’t about vanity; although, sure, the wrong lighting can make me look ancient. It’s more about the societal shift that happens to women over 40. We become invisible, especially in tech. Men stop listening, and it feels like our voices are disregarded. Despite knowing that 45 isn’t old and every day is a blessing, I can’t help but feel the weight of what I perceive as a lack of accomplishments.
Lunch with a friend recently highlighted this struggle. She remarked on how tired I looked, which stung because it felt like an affirmation of my fears about aging. I’ve been considering remedies for these signs of aging, like eye creams, but the real battle is internal. It’s the wisdom that comes with age, recognising patterns in behaviour, and realising how difficult I can be to love.
My grandmother, who had a tough life, was hard to love, and I see those traits in myself. Her story is a tragic one, filled with hardship and loss, and it shaped her into a person who found it hard to receive and show love. I, too, have inherited this complex way of showing affection, often struggling with indifference and complex emotions.
Reflecting on my life, especially with the decision to pursue comedy, has made me realise how much I value certain relationships and how difficult it is to maintain them. Friendships have a shelf life with me, often ending because of my blunt honesty and humour, which can be off-putting. This self-awareness is part of the wisdom that comes with age, but it doesn’t make it any easier.
Paul, my husband, understands my complexities. For my birthday, he booked a resort stay for me, knowing that I cherish alone time but also struggle with spontaneity. His gesture was thoughtful, but life’s uncertainties, like his recent redundancy, cast a shadow over our plans. The tech industry is brutal right now, and we’re both feeling the pressure.
My birthday brought a flood of emails and social media messages, which I find both amusing and frustrating. The insincerity of button-mashing birthday wishes on LinkedIn and Facebook annoys me. I crave genuine connections and gestures that show I matter. Twitter, surprisingly, feels more authentic in this regard, as it requires a bit more effort to wish someone a happy birthday.
My past has taught me to be wary of words without actions. I’ve been hurt by people who say the right things but don’t follow through, and this has made me cautious and sometimes unforgiving. It’s a pattern I’m working on breaking, but it’s a tough habit to shake.
Despite the challenges, I’m grateful for the wisdom that comes with age. Turning 45 has made me realise the importance of taking responsibility for my actions, valuing genuine connections, and striving for balance in my life. It’s a journey, and while I may not have it all figured out, I’m learning to embrace the complexities and contradictions that make me who I am.
As I navigate this new chapter, I’m focusing on what I can control, like recalibrating my website, finishing my courses, and writing every day. The future is uncertain, especially with the economic climate and job market, but I’m determined to find a way to make it work. Whether it’s through comedy, corporate work, or a combination of both, I’m committed to pursuing my passions while also being practical about my responsibilities.
To those who support me, your encouragement means the world. It keeps me going, even when things feel futile. I’m doing my best to stay independent and make a sustainable living, and your support, whether through becoming a patron or simply sharing kind words, is invaluable.
So here’s to 45—a milestone that brings both challenges and opportunities. I’m ready to face whatever comes next, with a bit of humour, a lot of determination, and the hope that things will eventually fall into place. Thank you for being part of this journey with me.