Welcome to Western Australia (WA), a land of vast expanse, unique history, and quirky culture. Let’s dive into the essence of this extraordinary place, starting with its geography. WA is the largest state in Australia, so large that the rest of the world could fit into it twice, with room to spare for a cattle station the size of Japan. Its boundaries stretch from Bali in the north to the southern tip, and from Scarborough Beach in the west to an undefined eastern border. Perth, the capital, is closer to the fictional Moss Espa of Tatooine than it is to Adelaide, and it remains in the same time zone as 1998, making it a nostalgic hub for dot-com start-ups.
Perth is divided by the Swan River, with the north side dominated by Eagles supporters and the south by Dockers fans. Expatriates, known as ‘Poms’ and ‘Saffas,’ are relegated to the outer fringes, mostly engaged in the cultivation of melanomas. The rest of WA is a barren land controlled by ancient bogan mobs, nomadic FIFO (Fly-In Fly-Out) workers, and billionaire mining magnates.
Historically, WA’s past is of little interest to its inhabitants, as it happened almost exclusively in the past. The state’s flora and fauna are equally unique. Black swans, introduced by postcard manufacturers in the 1950s, have become a plague, infiltrating every aspect of WA life. The quokka, a small, flightless marsupial native to Rottnest Island, has been driven to near extinction by celebrity selfies. The state’s floral emblem is, quite fittingly, dirt.
Western Australians pride themselves on their welcoming nature, despite a dubious record in treating migrants. They are thick-skinned and do not take anything personally—except criticism. Under WA’s “don’t like it, then leave” statute, any negative opinion about WA by an outsider can result in immediate deportation. Criticism of the weather or beaches can lead to fines and loss of demerit points.
Culturally, WA eliminated traditional culture in favour of sport in the late 1800s. Regional and caste-specific variations exist, but fluoro attire is the national dress, suitable for any occasion. Religion in WA is a polytheistic system with deities like Lily Marsh, Bon Scott, and Mark McGowan. Derby Day, a biannual event, sees a ritualistic dance performed at Optus Stadium, Perth’s holiest site.
Language in WA is unique, with words often shortened and suffixed with ‘o’. This makes casual conversations challenging for outsiders, particularly Victorians, as discussions often revolve around lunch meat, referred to as ‘polloni’ in WA.
Economically, WA is the world’s largest exporter of GST. While bitcoin is gaining popularity, crayfish remains the preferred currency among baby boomers. WA also exports vast amounts of dirt to China, with predictions that by 2050, the entire state will be part of mainland China, potentially devastating the local golf tourism industry.
This concludes our orientation to WA. We hope you enjoy engaging with this fascinating part of the world, as there is much more to learn about Western Australians and their unique way of life.