AI Researchers: We have been working on this our whole lives, to bring technology to the world that makes it a better place. It could solve hunger, cure cancer… hey, can we have some grant money please?
Government: Sure. Here you go. We work with our corporate partners to commercialise research to create win-wins, so know that if you take the grant, our partners get dibs on bringing your research to market. Or, you can approach them directly if you’d prefer.
AI Researchers: I’m definitely more comfortable with the government and University grant. Okay, I guess. But, promise you’ll only use it for good?
Government: Sure. We’ll regulate them, we promise.
AI Researchers: Good. Where do I sign?
VC/Government Consultant (interest undeclared): Hey, John and Peter. You know how I own shares in all your companies and have 2 board seats? Well, it’s time for you to embrace the future!
John, CEO: Do I have a choice?
VC: HAHA of course not. We don’t pay you to make decisions, mate. You know that.
CEO: Yes, Sir. AI! Cool! So what’s the value proposition on this new tech?
Founder: artificial intelligence.
CEO: Wow! How does it work?
Founder: you wouldn’t understand, bro. but, do you remember how you missed the boat on web 2.0? do you want to do that again?
CEO: I guess not.
Peter, CFO: What’s the value proposition?
Founder: money is a social construct. it’s just like, air, man.
CFO: As in, you need air to breathe, or? No, really, what is the value proposition? What ROI can I expect? Also, why are you writing in lowercase? It’s annoying.
VC: Shut up. John’s getting a little too consciency lately. Do you want the job when we oust him or not?
CFO: Sorry Sir. Yes, Sir. Founder, this seems like an exciting opportunity, but can you help me understand why this technology is so brilliant?
Founder: remember how you needed to be all woke and stuff? well, you don’t need that anymore. you can just do your thing, be out and proud like it’s pride month, but, rather than do actual pride month, you can just blame ai. offshoring? layoffs due to ai. denying claims? ai. too many women or blacks applying? ai screens them out. employees won’t tell you about their lives? ai. want to put prices or rents up? dynamic pricing using ai that calculates how much they are stashing away. customer service? use ai so customers stop being annoying and give up. accused of discrimination? blame ai. want to steal ip? ai. you can pretty much do whatever you want, and ai is to blame. you can also scare employees into thinking they’ll be replaced so they work harder and stop complaining. also, if they do, the ai will find a way to fire them and you can blame the ai.
CFO: <whispers> I wish this guy would innovate some paragraphs and punctati…
Oh, yes, very impressive work, you make very compelling points. So, we can effectively do anything we want, even if it is against the law, and our stock price goes up? And we don’t even have to spend any money on Rainbow Flags or that stupid ESG shit? That’ll get Musk off our back at least. And, bonus, we won’t even need to compete on price anymore, because we can acquire anyone who doesn’t join us?
Founder: correct. number go up no matter what.
Everyone: AI is brilliant. It can do everything! It’ll replace everyone!
Workers: err, I don’t know about this. I got bills to pay, man.
VC, Founder and CEO: money is like air, man.
Workers: what, like you need it to breathe? Isn’t it wrong to hoard the air when others are gasping? That metaphor makes no sense.
Founder: what’s a metaphor?
VC: Hey, Worker. You just don’t want it enough, I guess. Learn to Code.
Workers: But you said AI would replace coders too.
Uber and Amazon workers: Welcome to our dystopia, everyone. The water’s warm. Do you have a spare jar?
Tech people over 40: AI? Oh yeah, it’s cool. Yeah, it’s pretty impressive, has potential, and it’s exciting what developments lie ahead. But it’s nothing we haven’t known since the 70s, and I’m not too sure this is why I got into tech. These guys seem… kinda… evil? Don’t Be Evil was why I got into tech. They said what about money and air? Maybe if your shares vested, but my rent is insane and I work 16 hours a day and never see my kids. Fuck. I went all in on this shit. What do I do now?
LinkedIn Guru GAICD Cert III in Real Estate, LION, Author, Ask Me How to Succeed on LinkedIn (also an expert in Content Strategy, Tech Policy, SEO, AI, Wealth Management, Life Coach, Nutritional Medicine, Alternative Therapies and Essential Oils): AI is brilliant. It instantly gives you deep knowledge across a wide range of fields! It learns like a human does.
Psychologists: I’m sorry, what? Haha no it doesn’t. I know you’re not bright, but no, it doesn’t.
Guru: What do you mean? I wrote 5 books with it and they’re best sellers! You haven’t even written one!
Writers: Fuck off. Also, you’re not an author.
AI engineer: Hey guys, I actually agree with the Psychologists. No, it really doesn’t work like that. It’s not “learning” as such. It spots patterns and you can use basic reinforcement, but even if you accept the premise, there still isn’t enough comput…
LinkedIn Guru: YES IT DOES. I ASKED IT ABOUT ALL MY FIELDS AND IT GOT EVERYTHING RIGHT! I CHECKED IT! I AM A CERTIFIED LIFE COACH AND UNDERSTAND PSYCHOLOGY BETTER THAN ANY COMPUTER NERD.
AI hype skeptic/normal person: LLMs are cool. I use them and know how they work. I can see some value in some areas, I guess? Maybe Law? But still, rather than buy into hype, we should probably consider the externalities, do a proper cost-benefit analysis, SWOT and all the other things that are routine for transformation projects.
Also, I think the way they launched it was selfish, reckless, unethical and probably illegal, and I think we should proceed with more caution. If these guys are willing to cause this much destruction without self-correcting, we probably shouldn’t trust them.
UX: Also, if we’re talking human-centred design, I’m not sure that sycophancy is a good idea, especially for vulnerable users.
Product Managers and Growth Engineers: STFU Old Man, why are you still here? We understand users better than you. We’ve got all their data. Look at our dashboard…
UX: Fuck off. You put the hack in growth hacking, that’s for sure.
Psychologists: I agree with UX. This thing has real potential to feed dangerous delusions and you need more safeguards.
AI Safety: Sure. So you’re saying we need to make sure it doesn’t say rude words?
Psychologist: Well, not exac–
AI Safety: We got this. No rude words. US Generals from the 1700s will be black.
Product Manager: Got it.
Psychologist: No, you’re misunderstanding me. We’ve seen what’s happening with social media, and… government?
UX: I agree. Government?
Product Manager: STFU Old Man, why are you still here? Look at the dashboard.
Government: ooooh what a shiny dashboard. Did you do that in Word? AI Safety, what say you?
AI Safety: Okay, so we made the images diverse, and ChatGPT will now Wokescold people and let you guys know if they ask if Jews control the media. That should fix the delusion problem, and mitigate any psychosis.
Elon Musk: I’m making Grok not Woke. And also lol tiddies. What say you, Don?
The President of the United States: Electric sharks!
Everyone, in unison: We’re all fucked.
Elon Musk: CHAINSAW! HAHAHAHAHA tiddies on Mars.
Zuckerberg: I love that guy. He’s the best thing to ever happen to Meta. He makes me look normal.
Sam Altman: Same.
Tim Cook: Same. Hey Don, made you a gold statue, Sir. Can I peel you another grape, Sir? Anything else, Sir?
Siri: And you thought I was a sycophant? Broooooooo. That’s just embarrassing, bro.
Everyone in unison: Vomits. Laughs. Vomits again. Laughs. What the actual fuck are we seeing right now. Government?
Government: We fixed it. They’ll get a strongly worded letter from us telling them to knock it off. We’re also upgrading everyone from Word 2007 to Office 365, which includes access to CoPilot.
Everyone: Cool. Thanks for the help. How much does Microsoft get paid?
Government: INNOVATION.
VC, CEO, CFO, Billionaires, Tech Bros: You just don’t understand how it works. You hate AI. You just don’t get it and AI is magic and can fix all the externalities because it is so brilliant! You’re just a hater and a doomer.
AI Safety: I agree. You just don’t understand how it works, and all we need to do is make it more safe for the people who pay us, and also filter out extremist views, like terrorism.
Political scientists, historians, everyone left of Hitler: Oh, fuck. We’re fucked. Fuck. It’s fucked. We’re fucked. Oh fuck.
AI Safety and Tech Bros: You just don’t understand how it works. We’re working on making it safer, and so we made it so they’d be Wokescolded and added to a list if they ask if Israel controls the media.
Psychologist, UX, Normal Person, everyone: No, we fucking understand how it works. Shut the fuck up and listen to us!
Tech Founder/CEO: add them to the list.
3rd degree Software Engineers/tech bro: Brilliant work, Sir! Can I have a job? I want in on this thing! I am a systems thinker, husband and father. I’m just like you! I didn’t need college, because I had hustle. I work 26 hours a day, like you! You, Sir, are like Steve Jobs meets Tony Stark. You could say, that if Nikola Tesla were alive today, he would be in awe of you and how you have corrected the record on who really did the work.
I’ll sign the NDA, Sir, sure. I just want to be in your presence. I also think its best that nobody knows what I do and how much I earn anyway. You know, because people are jealous of our success and don’t understand that money is like air. Nobody needs to know about my signing bonus, my shares if number go up, or about our organisational culture where you can get colleagues fired anonymously and can get them on PIP for looking sideways or taking the last slice of pizza, or they threaten my bonus or promotion. I just want to do my 4 years so I gets that sweet, sweet vest. Then I can be a Founder.
What’s wrong with sycophancy? I don’t see a problem and my AI girlfriend agrees.
Piss jars? Disinformation. But, Sir, haha we know those brown people probably prefer it anyway amirite Sir ha ha ha…
H1Bs: what the fuck? How can that guy just say that right in front of us? I have a PhD in Engineering and this moron doesn’t even have a degree, I have to fix all his mistakes and he was promoted ahead of me? Obviously I won’t say anything publicly, Sir, but…. okay, sorry Sir, anything you need Sir. I’m sorry I acted Woke. It won’t happen again. I wouldn’t want to be replaced by “AI”, Sir.
Artists: Hey everyone, they stole our work without consent. I mean LOL these guys think they’re doing art, and that’s very cute, but also… yeah you kinda have to pay for a license.
Marketing: You have to pay creatives?
Artists: Pay your fucking invoice, Linda, or shut the fuck up. This is an obvious breach of Copyright and we need to do something. Mr President?
The President of the United States: Everything is computer and they’re eating the dogs.
Everyone: Cool. Awesome. Fabulous. Anyone else? Government?
Government: You can apply for a grant here. Oh, by the way, I have just been informed by my advisors that money is just like air. And yeah, he shouldn’t have said they eat the dogs, but the border…
AI Safety: Oh, we’ve also made it safer by adding people to a list if they ask if Israel is committing a genoci…
Academics: Oh, fuck. We’re fucked. Fuck. It’s fucked. We’re fucked. Oh fuck. I gotta get out of here, man.
People without H1Bs who are left of olive skin: Oh, fuck. We’re fucked. Fuck. It’s fucked. We’re fucked. Oh fuck.
Political scientists, historians: That’s what we said.
AI Safety: Stop saying fuck or you’ll end up on the list.
Tech Bro: Let me pitch you my new AI product. It’s the Uber of Police. I vibe-coded it in 3 hours. Who needs college? People need to get with the program and adapt or die.
VC: Here’s my card.
College grads: err, so great product, Sirs, I use it all the time, but could you knock off the whole adding us to lists and policing thing? We’re just protesting a genocide, and it includes a lot of jewish people and you’re letting Fundamentalist Christians label them terrorists and anti-Semites, because they don’t like what’s happening in their name. Also, again small quibble, great product, saves me loads of time and stuff, but we learned in class the other day and I skim-read on SparkNotes that this stuff usually ends badly and is uneth–
Tech bro: WOKE ANTIFA COMMUNIST FASCISTS POSTMODERN MARXISTS
Academics: Huh? What the fuck is this word salad?
Tech bro: WOKE! INDOCTRINATION! GLOBALIST FAR LEFT GENDER IDEOLOGY
LinkedIn Guru: I wrote a best-selling book about this last night.
Tech bro: HUSTLE! GRIND! EMBRACE THE FUTURE! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND! MARS! TO THE MOON! DA DA DA DA SEXSSSESEHDHWDKWKEWF!MURDERHUMAN!REDHEIFFERS?BRRRRRAINCHIPOFJLWFH I AM MECHA HITLER lmfao
Everyone: I think he’s run out of tokens.
Founder: It’ll replace everyone and do everyone’s job. It’s amazing!
AI Skeptics: So, back on topic, no it simply can’t do what they’re claiming. This is pure hype. And even if it did do that, which I must emphasise it doesn’t, there’s a social contract and a process that everyone should follow, with any new technolo–
AI Bro: Doomer. Flying Cars. Mars. You just don’t get it, bro. It’s a better writer than you and our writing product is going to replace you.
Writer: Now hang on just a gosh darn minute. No it isn’t. It’s a bad writer. It’s good for basic paraphrasing or summarising but it is mostly unusable slop. I must point out that 2/3 of American adults can’t read at a 5th grade level and that’s why a lot of them think it’s a good writer, when it isn’t. You didn’t go to college, so you may well be one of those people. But, still, I can see a use case for it… maybe in law?
LawAI Tech bro: Yes! Of course it can do law! Lots of law! People don’t understand that this is the future of law!
Lawyer: Now hang on just a gosh darn minute. No. I can see how it works, have tried it, use it sometimes, and I get it. But it makes up cases, confuses jurisdictions, and misunderstands the law… and ultimately it takes longer to wrangle it than it does to just do the work myself.
I’m sure with specially trained models like Lexis+ there is some value/potential, but a) it needs human supervision because I am on the hook if it messes up b) I need to be transparent in all dealings and be subject to audit, and that plus the externalities…well, it’s a fun toy, but it isn’t cost effective. Think I’ll do my own pleadings for now. But I am sure there’s a use case, such as in medicine.
How about you, doctors?
Doctors: Nope. We are a regulated profession and would be sued into oblivion. Also, can I take a moment to talk about not using AI to deny people insurance and ask that they take a break from posting about AI on LinkedIn, and check where my patient’s claim is? She’s waiting to start cancer treatment.
Lawyers: Here’s my card.
Tech bro: Huh? What’s a regulated profession? We are vibe-coding the Uber of Knowledge and Police and Lawyers and Doctors. We’re disrupting everything bro, don’t blame us. You’re just jealous and don’t understand how it works, bro. Universities? LOL we never went, because nobody needs college anyway! We are vibe-coding it so you can have a PhD in your pocket!
PhDs: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Are these guys fucking serious? They do know that PhDs are about new knowledge, right?
Coders: err… mate, that’s not how it works. You need to know what you’re coding and vibe-coding is reckless and dangerous.
Lawyer: Here’s my card.
Founder: pfft. you just don’t understand how it works, bro.
VC: Here’s my card.
Tech bro: No, I mean it’ll just have general PhD knowledge and create new physics. Also, women should have more babies.
AI Experts, Academics, Scientists, Doctors, Coders, Writers, Lawyers, in unison: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA are you fucking serious right now? Oh my God these people are so stupid.
Workers: I can’t afford to feed myself, let alone have more kids. The fuck?
NVIDIA: lol, we gun be rich as these dumbasses think it’s just about lack of compute.
PhDs: oh man I’m never going to be able to eat, am I?
Tech bro: Have babies instead. Look, I did some art!
Artists: This guy over here thinks he’s doing art. And hey, I didn’t consent to the use of my work.
Lawyer: Here’s my card.
Scientists: Hey, the oceans are kinda boiling.
Government: Do you want a grant to commercialise your research? We can help you fix the climate crisis and you could also cure cancer with our public-private partnerships where we commercialise research…
PhDs: Don’t do it! It’s a trap!
Tech bros: WOKISM! INDOCTRINATED! DOGE TO THE MOON! FAR LEFT ANTIFA TOILETS POLITICAL VIOLENCE BAD POPULATION COLLAPSE HUNTER BIDEN LAPTOP.
Parents: Hey, sorry to interrupt, but your AI told our son to kill himself.
Tech bros: Soz about that. Here’s a discount code for BetterHelp.com
Parents: Not good enough. You evil, soulless ghouls.
Lawyer: Here’s my card.
Teachers: Heaven help us all. These little fuckers already can’t read and our tech bro friend here is the obvious end result. Can I have $20 for some pencils and materials, please?
Government: Here’s a discount code for PragerU. Also, that sounds awful Woke. Are you teaching the children how to do political violence?
Students: Cool, bro. Shrimp Jesus. Heh. Look, I made a deep fake of Miss and she’s getting death threats because I gave her coloured hair.
Media (interest undeclared): Is AI about to take over the world? Lawyers say it’ll be great for code. Coders say it’ll be great for Product Design. Doctors think it’ll be great for Law, Lawyers think it’ll be great for Medicine and Writers say it’ll be good for Physics. Artists know that it’s shit for everything but they’re always complaining anyway and we spend too much on stock photography, so welcome to the AI Revolution!
AI researchers: You know, this really isn’t what we intended to happen.
AI Safety: this isn’t what we intended, but it can be fixed if we get ahead of it. We’ve asked Bari Weiss to come on board as an advisor on how to make the AI Safer.
LinkedIn Guru: I wrote a book about AI Safety yesterday.
Everyone: Fuck off.
AI Safety: Alright, everyone, you’re on the list.
Product Manager: Yes, Sir.
Engineers: Yes, Sir. Can I do anything else for you Sir? Massage perhaps?
Tim Cook: Me first!
Elon Musk: We have to fix the mind virus!
H1Bs: Yes, Sir.
Everyone: Oh, fuck. We’re fucked. Fuck. It’s fucked. We’re fucked. Oh fuck.
VCs: Excellent.
Founders: Excellent.
CEOs: Yes, Sir. Can I have a pay rise? I need to pay for security detail.
Lawyer: Here’s my card.
Government: Stop doing all that political non-violence or five years from now we’ll have give you a $50 fine and a warning.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but the cancer has metastasised. I did everything I could.
AI Researchers: Hang on a minute, weren’t we supposed to cure cancer?
Is this meant to be fanfiction?