In a mood over the broken promise of merit

Fuck all of it

In a mood over the broken promise of merit

Fuck all of it

I gotta be honest, I’m a little over it all right now.

I’ve gotten to a point where I am just so fed up with this thing called “working hard”. Not because I have to work hard – I love that part – but because I keep bashing my head against this brick wall called “being ethical”, “working hard”, “doing the right thing”, and none of it making a lick of difference to anyone. The bar keeps moving upward, the goalposts keep shifting, every fly by night who just discovered algorithms exist are experts on the internet, and it often feels like everything is stacked in favour of those who do the wrong thing, or happen to have been born rich, TV ready or famous.

Well, I already knew that that was the case, but not to this extent.

We’re having to move house for the third time in three years, through no fault of our own and landlord greed. In 2018 we decided we’d do the right thing and move from our expensive rental, into a cheaper house, so we could save our deposit. We did that and almost got there. Now, in 2022, that deposit has now been completely eaten up with moving costs, bonds, and we are now back paying the same expensive rent for a shitty house, with no security and the constant threat of the lease not going longer than a year, because greedy landlords are simply not happy unless they’re gouging tenants for every last cent… and fuck the consequences.

And… we aren’t even poor. We are what most would consider pretty lucky. I think that’s why it doubly pisses me off, because I also feel guilty for being so angry and ungrateful, because the Lean In Ladies keep telling me to be grateful for what I have. But I’m not. I want a house. I earned it. I worked for it. And it keeps being taken away by people who work half as much and treat me like shit, even though I outrank them in all other metrics.

I’m not saying that it would be any better if we were poor – of course that isn’t the case – I feel guilty because I know there are so many who have it so much worse. But, I did what was asked of me. I went to University. I worked 3 jobs. I got married. I did all the things. I sacrificed my social life and health. I set up my business. I hustled. I missed out on time with my kids. I behaved ethically and got good at my craft. I constantly up skill, I work around the clock. I read a book a week. What more do you need? Tell me. I’ll do it.

Still… nothing. Full circle. Back where we started. Where’s my merit? All those people who work half the time, do shady shit, treat people poorly – they’re doing fine. They just used the bank of Mum & Dad, or were lucky enough to buy a house in the 90s. I have no parents. I work for everything. Everything I have, I have done off my own back. When rich kids were partying, I was studying or working. When everyone was having fun, I was studying or working. Yet, for some reason, the person who hustles every step of the way just to survive, and even overcome her start in life, and works her arse off is the one who can’t buy a house, save for a house, or even keep one for more than a fucking year without some privileged arsehole dangling your roof over head like a Medieval Lord.

So, we are being forced to move again, with all of our money eaten up by moving costs and increasing rent and bills. We are so desperate for some security that we’re considering Vendor Finance, which will 100% fuck us. But, to be honest, we’ve come to the conclusion that if we are going to be fucked, we’d rather be fucked in our own house and give money to a greedy fuck who is helping us over a greedy fuck who is fucking us and acting like air conditioning is a huge favour, working taps are a luxury, all whilst implying we should be grateful for the gift of a roof over our head.

Yeah, this is inspired by the vapid rich fuckholes on LinkedIn talking about .

And, being banned from Twitter and facing censorship just for writing about my craft, sharing what I know about and dedicated my life to, and went into all this debt for in the first place. And I do that only to be called an idiot by fuckheads. Whilst very much appreciating those that do support me on Patreon, everything else makes me feel like a loser because after all this “hard work” and “hustle” and a desire to do the right thing, suddenly I find myself begging for tips, which I could have done without all the other shit and better tits, simply because my industry is the most evil and sinister thing to ever fucking exist and nobody even gives a shit enough to fix it, so long as they can make a buck and do “cool shit” with data that was stolen from people without their informed consent. And for me seemingly being the only person in digital who won’t do anal, I’m now dependent on basically a less interesting version of OnlyFans.

And, even if after all that “hard work”, hustle, learning a craft and doing the right thing, I decide it is all untenable and retrain, uni always feels completely pointless and a waste of my energy and time.

Can’t think of a way to incorporate fuck all there, and it all feels like a waste, but it’s uni, so I’m guessing that’s implied, because we all know (but can’t say) that the dumb people have figured out a way to steal “smart” from everyone too, by making everything so goddamn tedious and the admin such a pain in the arse that you go “fuck that” and they get to talk to you like shit because you are unable to complete the Leaps of Bureaucratic Bullshit, Feats of Strength by Pretending There’s an Actual Meaningful Difference between APA 6 and 7 and the Great Checkbox and Other UX Hurdles: Gamified and Wearing a Bow Tie For Some Reason. 

You could say they identify as intelligent…

And, faced with the prospect of moving again, because this house is overpriced and crap and we made the fatal mistake of saying so, and are now on tenterhooks about retaliatory termination. Which, yes, is illegal, but tell that to the 100 people that line up for every house that isn’t a maggot-filled shit-stained crack den with dial-up speeds as part of our superfast Zoom-ready pandemic-quality internet.

I’m so fed up with all of this shit. I am a grown-ass adult, not a fucking student in a delapitated share house.

Like I said earlier, I want nothing except what I was promised as part of this whole “work hard and sacrifice, it doesn’t matter where you came from, you can earn it” load of bollocks. Nothing more, nothing less.

Fucking Vendor Finance. At least if you’re going to be gouged, you can be gouged in something where you have actual fucking agency. And no, at the current rent and health insurance, we will NEVER be able to save $50,000 in cash. We started saving, and greedy arseholes took it all at the start of the pandemic by kicking us out so they could jack up the rent, leaving us to be gouged by this fuckhead, and Bupa continuing to reduce benefits and surgeons increasing fees, simply for the crime of being sick in the 51st fucking state of John Howard’s America. 

So no, we will not “try harder”, work harder. Ever. So fuck off with your avocado toast horseshit.

Yeah I’m in a mood.

Fucking Vendor Finance for fuck’s sake.

Half a million dollars to build a shitty place with no room to move or even park our cars in a suburb nobody heard of, that, because of the $60,000 Bogan Appeasement Bonus rather than any help with established homes or cracking down on slumlords, house flippers, hoarders or negative gearing… everything is worth $100k more than anything we’d pay for it, making it so that even if you DO get a mortgage, you are living in something that is worth less than you paid for it. Get fucked.

So fuck it, add 2, 3, 5% to the interest, then. At least I will only have one greedy fuck to deal with rather than a yearly rotation of fuckheads and 21 year old dimwits who, because of the demand for rentals, suddenly think they’re Gary Fucking Vaynerchuck.

Yeah I’m in a mood.

lol its cathartic.

Fucking Vendor Finance.

Fuck my parents. Seriously fuck ’em. Couldn’t my Mum have smoked or drank a bit more so I was born less capable of hope, and not having to deal with the curse of expectations of merit?

Yeah I have essay due on Friday, which is why I am writing everywhere except that so much. heehee.

I’m pissed off, fed up, fine. It is what it is.

heh it’s cool.

I’m fine.

Just enjoying ranting and having words come out. 

*lights metaphorical cigarette*

*throws it*

*everything explodes and burns to the ground*


Gotta hand it to LinkedIn. It’s good for my writer’s block.

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